insufficiency.

have you been standing on your own feet too long?
have you been looking for a place where you belong?
you can rest, you will find rest.

i'm learning more and more that i don't quite fit in anywhere but yet everywhere. that puzzle piece that doesn't quite fill that gap, despite its expectations and desires. i'm slowly learning to accept that as the way i am and will always be. it's hard to remember that i'm a wanderer with a broken heart for that brokenness draws me to the One who is Love. not all who wander are lost. not all who wander will recognize it.

one tear in the dropping rain,
one voice in the sea of pain,
could the maker of the stars
hear the sound of my breaking heart?
one light, that's all i am.
right now i can barely stand.
if you're everything You say You are
won't You come close and hold my heart?

break my heart for what breaks yours,
everything i am for your kingdom's cause.

i'm learning that the more i fail and fall, the more i fail within myself and fall into Him and His love and grace and strength and healing. i'm learning that pride prevents me from delving fully into what He has freely offered. i won't let Him love me for all i am, because i put too much value into what others think, do, and say. because i'm too sensitive of the world and let it make me believe i am not deserving. that i have no value. that He is not working in and out and through me. that my sin is too big for His forgiveness, for Him. this summer, i sense, is going to be about my failure and His success.

life is not about toning down and repressing your God-given life force. it's about channeling it and focusing it and turning it loose on something beautiful, something pure and true and good, something that connects you with God, with others, with the world.

the past few days have been a struggle. with school and life and summer and future. with people i thought i trust and those i am unwilling to trust. pent-up frustration. irritation. hurt. anger. i haven't dealt with it. i withdraw from doing so. my lack of concern for myself. for others. how much of a foothold does the Devil have within my life with the way i deal with emotional, mental conflict? why do i let people devalue me, whether accidentally or purposefully, and let that burden my heart and spirit? why do i then devalue myself?

never give up. never back down. never lose faith.

love is here, love is now.
love is pouring from his hands, from his brows.
love is near, it satisfies.
streams of mercy flowing from his side.
because love is here.

i still live in fear. as much of a brave face i put on, i still let doubt and anxiety creep in. burrow. invade. fester. but even if my hands are shaking and my faith is broken, even if my eyes are closing because i can't bear to step into the unknown darkness, i want to be willing to do it with a heart wide open. tear me apart at the seams, Father, and put me back together.

all the darkness of the world cannot extinguish the light of a small candle.

please be in prayer for me. the Lord will do His work, with or without me, and i pray for a willing spirit that draws His strength. and an awareness that i am indeed not alone and that i am in His unrelenting grasp. and that namaste will be. please, oh please.

also pray for consistency. pray for accountability, for discipleship. pray for next semester--internship opportunities, time management, intentional time, leadership. pray for open eyes, hands, and heart.

i won't hesitate no more, no more. it cannot wait, i'm Yours.