and i will not be silent.

"at the end of the day, when it comes down to it, all we really want is to be close to somebody. so this thing, where we all keep our distance and pretend not to care about each other, is usually a load of bull. so we pick and choose who we want to remain close to, and once we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close by. no matter how much we hurt them, the people that are still with you at the end of the day - those are the ones worth keeping. and sure, sometimes close can be too close. but sometimes, that invasion of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

i miss truly, sincerely investing in people and having people do the same for me. "let God love you through others and let God love others through you." quite frankly, i feel...indifferent, unworthy of doing so. indifferent to the idea of putting myself out there and learning it's a weak, one-sided attempt. unworthy because the messy, scattered life i lead does not glorify Him in all that i do because of my sin nature.

and when it all comes down to it is this: FEAR. fear of being transparent. fear of conditional love. fear of rejection. ...it sounds pretty dumb when i actually write it out, but that's the truth i'm facing. so pray that the devil's stronghold of fear will be weakened from me and pray to replace my heart of stone with one of flesh.

if home is where the heart is and home is where You are, what does being home supposed to feel like daily? why do i complain so much when i should be rejoicing in the blessings? am i willing to commit to everything i do? and if i'm not willing to commit, then why do i really do it? ...just some ponder as you wander questions.

on an upbeat note: my jam-packed school week is over and i can relax for a few. emily, tara, and clutter (OBU and OSU folks) came and visited me this weekend--yay for hanging out and breakfast and elementary kids and caving. klarc and i were childish and we "passed" notes in class thursday. chris venable is quite ridiculous and he makes me smile. i spent quite enough time at "the fam's" house. free food at panera makes me happy as well. we have a rascal cat living with us for a week. GOLLY. the damien rice concert was fun and so were the OU boys.


have a good week. take care. pray, live, and give. love you (or trying to!).

"you, too, are somebody - somebody worth the sacrifice of what was most precious to God: His only Son. God may be the only person you’ll ever know who loves you UNCONDITIONALLY, but once that truth sinks in, God’s opinion becomes the only one that really matters."
verla gilmore.