"hold your own. know your name. go your own way."

i am losing my life to find it.
losing what i've come to know the past three years in college.
losing everything i hold dear.
time. relationships. comfort. peace. spontaneity. temporary happiness. identity.
for what? i don't know, i don't know.

the clarity i had from this summer is gone.
with the twist, the fork in the road of running towards the goal.
what's left is the overwhelming darkness of "where am i?"

this season of preparation has taken its toll on me.
i'm wrestling with the Lord, about my name. about who i am.
about what He's called me to do. about joy. about trust.
about self-sacrificial love. about loving myself at this stage.

"love your neighbor as yourself" has been hard.
why? i can't quite seem to let myself be loved. by the Lord. by people.
and in no extent am i sharing His love the way He intended.
"greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends."
i lack that willingness to put others before me, having their best interests.
probably because i'm not right with the Lord first, so i can't serve.
pray that i will be. pray that a miracle happens in my heart.
pray that i can radically forgive, extend mercy and grace to those around.