oh c.s. lewis.

i am angry. angry at the fact that i cannot express myself. angry that i don't come across the way that i want to or need to...and it's just one big chaos with my brain, heart, and mouth. give give give until there's nothing left to give.

"i have heard and unfortunately given some testimonies at times of such naked emotion that the recipients may have been more horrified than edified. at the very least, they were confused by the ramblings of a women who had not yet dealt with the situation enough to get her own clarity from God. let alone make sense of it to an audience. if you're heard premature testimonies, you might agree that a platform for testimony is sturdiest when built over a little time spent healing." ...beth moore.

i'm realizing more and more that i'm still dealing with a lot of things in my heart. with china. with the brunt of last semester. with trust issues. with family. with communicating transparency. i need to heal, and until then, i am speechless.

i need to be alone to wrestle with the Lord. alone so i can be broken, as only the Lord can and will do. and when brokenness happens, so does his immense blessings. pray that i get to surrender and stay there.

the realization of school being four weeks in session has finally hit me--and i think it might have hit me one week too late. there's tests and papers and projects and meetings and everything to prepare for. ever heard of prior preparation prevents poor performance? ...still working on that after 13 years of education.

time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted. thank you, long weekends and lovely faces. now it is catch-up time and not-getting-sick time and running-to-a-standstill time. i'm trying not to worry, and i'm trying not to fail at that.

"remember, this repentance, this willing submission to humiliation and a kind of death, is not something God demands of you before He will take you back and which He could let you off if He chose: it is simply a description of what going back to Him is like. if you ask God to take you back without it, you are really asking Him to let you go back without going back. it cannot happen. very well, then, we must go through with it. but the same badness which makes us need it makes us unable to do it. can we do it if God helps us? yes, but what do we mean when we talk of God helping us? we mean God putting into us a bit of Himself, so to speak. He lends us a little of his reasoning powers and that is how we think: He puts a little of His love in us and that is how we love one another."

i get by with a lot of help from my Friend. amen.