more than words.

some weeks are just harder than others. this is one of them for me. but because the week has been harder than the sugarcoated weeks that i enjoy thoroughly, the Lord has been using this week to teach me so much. He's been showing me that i let the little moments of disappointment and hurt permeate through the cracks of my heart. i don't appreciate the little moments of wonderful and joy as much as i should. i take them for granted because i gloss over their purpose in my day-to-day life. i need to soak in the good more than the bad.

He's showing me that i am stubborn. that i don't let go of things that i should release. things that i should have let go a long time ago or things that i shouldn't even have a grasp of. and i'm struggling to hand over my burdens to Him because somehow in my irrational mind, i don't want to show him the ugliness of my heart. it's hard for me to let go of things that i don't even know that i held onto because i don't know how to. ...but He's making me realize it now.

i'm a fixer. i like to solve problems and give advice. i want to bear burdens so others don't have to. but i'm learning that i'm not meant to fix people; that's the Lord's job. i am not the answer. i am not the solution. i am not able to shoulder such a load. i cannot be anything but a vessel for His means.

God's preparing me for something. i know it. for the time being, i'm going to enjoy my phi lamb sisters and my "blessed family." i just got to hang out at the cottage making many wonderful concoctions of food. i slept beneath a tree at wilson park with liz today. i'm looking forward to baking and being finished with school (up until finals) next tuesday. i know the Lord has my best interests at heart when it comes to this upcoming weekend and my future.

He's going to heal my past, bless my present, and guide my future. it's that step of faith in believing that these ashes will be traded in for beauty, a beauty like no other. hallelujah.

p.s. if you're looking for lovely music to listen to, leeland's "beautiful Lord" and chris tomlin's "amazing grace" and dierks bentley's "long trip alone" and rascal flatts' "stand" and carrie underwood's "wasted" are my picks for the moment.