i am...

++ exhausted. from looking at CAD designs and playing on photoshop, organizing layouts for a well-known store with a trademark blue & always low prices. i will not complain about the opportunity to a) have a part-time job, b) earn money for k-institute, and c) carry it over with me to branson until its completion. i am just slightly overwhelmed with working and packing and saying goodbyes and realizing that what used to be an extended summer vacation (that dragged on at moments) is now less than two days to LIFE CHANGE.

++ excited. nervous. anxious. panicked. thrilled. pumped. ...there's not a wayward strand of emotion that's not active. passionate one way or another. i am just not calm in any form or fashion & i'll think i'll take it after being on cruise control lately.

++ touched by a sweet surprise from katie, julie, lauren, & rachel. BEST. lovin' cookie cake, kennedy's, and heart friends. i really could not have asked for more.

++ slightly addicted with the show "bones." the emotion. the tension. the odd fascination of science & impulse & life & death all wrapped together. and this struck a chord with me:

"you know i'm just...i'm just one of those people who doesn't get to be in a family." "listen, hey, there is more than one kind of family."

let's get real: i think the topic of family is hard to address, especially when i really pause and look at what the Lord has given me and placed me for a reason i don't always quite understand (or dwell on the truth He has me here). i am nothing like my family. not my parents. not my sister. not my brother. a family of non-believers. parents that are hands-off and silent and a "go on, do, live your own" attitude. non-parent parents. a sister that is consumed in finding satisfaction in her boyfriend and life outside of sheltered bentonville. a brother that seeks wealth and power and self-identity within this world. and me? the black sheep wanting more out of this life. seeking joy over temporary happiness. under such scrutiny and pressure to "not mess up" to discredit their perception of Christ and Christianity. ...what a family.

that's why it is hard to live in bentonville. after living in such community the past four years, in college, in camp--coming to the realization what should be a family pales in comparison to my "adopted" sets. i think that is the hardest part of going to kanakuk institute: leaving behind where i (used to) belong. the college fam. the bcm fam. the phi lamb fam. the war eagle fam. the OBU fam. the texas fam. the ozone kid fam. the k7 fam. beautiful families that see me as i am and loves me for who i am -- the Christ within, which is a constant work in progress.

i love other people's families. i love seeing friends interact with their families. i value beautiful, unfolding relationships within that sphere of influence. i want that. i crave that. i get jealous and envious of those who have that (and take it for granted). i want my own family (way down the line, of course) to reflect what i didn't get to have growing up these first 22 years.

so, (adopted) family: thank you for the constant stream of encouragement. unconditional love. surprises that bless my heart. the little things--the hugs, the notes--that do not go by unnoticed. heart-to-heart moments that define a soul relationship: not defined by time or place or circumstances or season.

a new family awaits. hello, kanakuk institute. please be the family i need in this next season (and beyond). please change my heart on how to love and serve my biological family -- and love them to Christ.