somewhere in between.

to whom it may concern:

there is just something about the end of one beginning and the beginning of another end. something beautiful and heart-wrenching at the same time. so thankful for the experience but unwilling to let go. i struggle with that--failing to grasp what time, what life looks like with the continual overlap of beginnings and ends. how do i recognize whether it is a beginning or an end? am i even supposed to?

keep moving forward. i feel like i am stringing along moments:: the joys, the blessings, the frustrations, the hurts, the tears, the laughs:: and making something that resembles a life. keep the future ahead since it is not within grasp. keep the past in the rearview mirror--in sight but behind you.

more and more, i realize how important experience is, being active versus being passive. you learn so much when you're in it and when you're out. especially when you're out: still processing its magnitude, still figuring out how the Lord will use the experience in the future, still dissecting moment by moment what the Lord did.

so much has been churning inside me since my adventure abroad. it was indescribable. words could not do the trip justice. pictures could not do the trip justice. on a factual note, this is what we did: ran around to different colleges, had a cultural exchange of ideas and language and holidays, hung out with college students every day, enjoyed the delicious food, learned that traffic regulations were just suggestions, goofed out with precious kindergarteners, spent time with middle school/junior high kids, had a blast with our hosts, etc.

mentally? physically? my brain is about to burst. my body feels constantly worn out, maybe stuck in eastern asia time. emotionally? spiritually? i feel numb to all the contrasting emotions:: happiness, sadness, desire, longing, gratitude, hurt and anger:: that leave me feeling nothing. i feel speechless. unable to express what my mind is saying since my heart is still trying to figure out everything. nothing comes out right. nothing comes out.

is this part of sanctification? i'm not speaking and He's speaking? "preach the Gospel, and if necessary, use words."

being on the path with the Lord does not mean having to have all things figured out to know Him. to know that the Lord is sovereign. the Lord is faithful. the Lord is wise. the Lord is powerful. being a child of God does not mean we have to be adult about how we handle life--sometimes it's just best to curl in His arms and rest in His comfort. to run freely to Him.

"and i'm chasing after You because You first chased after me." this line captured me during my trip. i don't know why, but it did. and i am learning what that means in many different ways.

what you can do:
1) ask me about the adventure. i can try to go in more detail with stories.
2) pray for conviction for the lost, both here in america and overseas.
3) pray to be sent or be a sender--ask for wisdom and discernment.
4) pray for ozone, k-life, camp war eagle, kanakuk, and BCM ministries.
5) pray for my continual heart renovation: what that means for today, the future.
6) pray that i make priorities in my life, not just options.

love,
xie xi hui
(thanks / hope in the knowledge of God)
...some wonderful folks blessed me with a sweet foreign name.

i can't be losing sleep over this, no, i can't
and now i cannot stop pacing
give me a few hours, i'll have this all sorted out
if my mind would just stop racing.

'cause i cannot stand still
i can't be this unsturdy
this cannot be happening.

this is over my head but underneath my feet
'cause by tomorrow morning, i'll have this thing beat
and everything will be back to the way that it was
i wish that it was just that easy.

'cause i'm waiting for tonight
then waiting for tomorrow
and i'm somewhere in between
what is real and just a dream.

would you catch me if i fall out of what i fell in?
don't be surprised if i collapse down at your feet again
i don't want to run away from this
i know that i just don't need this.