searching for God knows what.

"the truth is there are a million steps,
and we don't even know what the steps are,
and worse, at any given moment
we may not be willing or even able to take them;
and still worse, they are different for you and me
and they are always changing.
i have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful,
the sooner we fall in love with the God
who keeps shaking things up,
keeps changing the path,
keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him,
teaching us not to rely on easy answers, bullet points,
magic mantras, or genies in lamps,
but rather in His guidance, His existence, His mercy, and His love.
personally, i was miserable before I understood these ideas,
but now i am so happy i laugh all the time, even in my sleep."
DONALD MILLER.

over a month has passed by. i don't have any idea where to begin, where to start pouring out into words what the past month has meant to me. days melt into one another but i am reassured that the details are protected vividly in individual moments somewhere in my brain. this quote to me sums up what i've been through and i'm continually amazed by how much i don't even comprehend in my tiny little mind.

i love my war eagle family so much. seeing such passion and purpose from the front gates to the docks of beaver lake, a friendly and encouraging face is always there to greet me with a heart for the Lord and His will pulsating in their willing bodies. i am so blessed with this community that i've been living with the past month. i know camp is different this time around, with the new mixing with the old. but to me, that's what makes the experience even more beautiful--seeing the Lord teach something different the second go-around. it's like...reading a verse over and over again but the Lord shows your heart something new each and every time. that's how i feel about camp. "if home is where the heart is, then home is where You are."

pray that i'll continually open up my heart and what You have done/is doing in my life not to just my kids but fellow staff. continue to help me be transparent, Father. build up relationships beyond surface level, break down defensive barriers. it is not the easiest thing for me but that's okay--it doesn't need to be.

i've had the opportunity to serve 10-11 year old girls the past two and a half weeks. this has been my favorite age group by far: old enough to be responsible enough for themselves but still young enough to goof around with in camp form. session 2 (the past week) has been my favorite group of girls ever (out of the six sessions i've worked at CWE). i could not have been blessed with more thoughtful and surprising and lovely girls. this time around, it was more about deepening a relationship with Jesus Christ rather than introducing the Gospel--it was amazing to get to know their hearts in such a short week. i could not ask for more.

fact: my laugh has invaded camp war eagle.
fact: it doesn't really bother me when i hear another's variation.
fact: i have heard plenty of variations in a month, oh heavens.
fact: no, i cannot change my laugh (i've tried the past few weeks).
fact: little warner from cabin 21 called me haunting laugh for 10 days.

another note: i love seeing returners and my OZONE kids. so so so much. i love how connections started in a week, in two weeks can bridge over to the next summer and through the school year. or it begins not even at camp but the follow-up program weekly or monthly. thumbs up for OZONE.

i have one more week behind the camera, then i am going to be a regular in-cabin counselor for the first time ever for two weeks. i'm anxious and nervous about being outside my comfort zone of technology, of being a camp wanderer. s-t-r-e-t-c-h.

what else? i love playing with boys. young, middle, and old. the little boys are stinking hilarious. they like to tackle me and tickle me and believe that i have candy in my bag. they are so precious--if i could, i would preserve them at that age. the middle boys amused me to no end, figuring out identity and awkwardness. they were a blast. the cabin 38/39/40 boys were fun both sessions. club 40 from session two gave me the great honor of being the only girl invited to their dance party, oh heavens. i'll miss them.


thank God for great little brothers.

and failures. i've been learning a lot about not being everything to everyone. that it is not possible for me to fulfill what i think i need to be, what others want me to be--because that should not be my focus. Your will be done. it does feel like i'm redundant in what the Lord is trying to teach me. i hear. but i don't listen.

i don't surrender.
surrender it all.
i might surrender my heart.
but not my character.

i'm learning that the Lord just wants me to be someone to somebody. that somebody could anyone. any camper i meet when i'm shooting pictures, day in and day out. any parent i get to chat with. any fellow war eagle staff to encourage or invest in. any encounter, every moment. a chance to really make an impact, a difference in a life--it might be simply a seed or a seed-ripened fruit.

God shared His vertical grace with me. i'm called to share horizontal grace with others all around. need a visual? picture a cross. ...how neat. how beautiful.

pray that i keep my focus on the One who gives me life, gives me love, gives me joy. He who provides strength whenever i feel weak or weary. help me, Lord, be sensitive to what you have me do for Your glory and not hardened by indifference or complacency. drive Your purpose and Your passion through my sinful nature [like nails through perfect hands and feet]--put my selfish ways to death.

thank you for reading. thank you to all those who have written letters or emails or facebook messages/posts. they mean so much to me even though i haven't had a chance to respond back. know that they are appreciated all the way in a little corner of rogers. continue to write if you want!

listen to rob thomas' "little wonders." :)

please send prayer requests wherever you are in the world, whether working at another camp or doing missions or slaving away for summer school or relaxing. let me know about your life.

i love you so so so much.

"there is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered."
nelson mandela.